English Jokes

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.

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Anna: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.

Ben: That's impossible. Whose baby?
Anna: An elephant's.

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A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

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Some scientists decided to do the following experiments on a cockroach.

For the first experiment, they cut one of the cockroach's legs off, then they told the cockroach to walk. The cockroach got up and walked, so they they learned that a cockroach could walk with just three legs.

For the second experiment, they cut off a second leg from the cockroach, then they told the cockroach once more to walk. The cockroach was still able to walk with only two legs.

For the third experiment, they cut off yet another leg from the cockroach and once more they told the cockroach to walk. However, the cockroach wasn't able to walk with only one leg.

As a result of these three experiments, the scientists wrote in their final report that the cockroach had lost it's hearing after having three legs cut off.

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Two children are talking.

Annie: Meet my new born brother.
Benet: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
Annie: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.

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A teacher is talking to a student.
Teacher: Did your father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

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The teacher says: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?

The student says: Obviously it's the past tense.

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In the classroom the teacher is asking a student to do something.

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I."

Student: I is the ...

Teacher: Stop! Never put "is" after "I." Always put 'am' after "I."

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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Little Johnny Cupcakes Humor

A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for Sunday dinner. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Little Johnny, helping them bake some cupcakes.

After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Johnny to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.

“The cupcakes look delicious, Johnny.” his uncle said. He took a bite and said, “Johnny these are so good.”

As he finished cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. “The cupcakes look beautiful, Johnny,” his uncle said. “How did you get the icing so neat?”

His nephew replied, “It was easy. I just licked them.”

The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. “You licked all of these?”

Johnny replied, “Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help.”

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Never ask a grandma if she know you.

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi Grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the witness stand.

He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Yes, I certainly do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench. In a very quiet and low voice he said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

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The Old Man Humor

I saw an old man sitting on a park bench. He was crying. I asked him what was wrong.

He said, “I’m 80 years old. I’m rich beyond my wildest dreams. I own every expensive toy you can think of. And I’m married to a hot 23-year-old who not only gives me the greatest sex ever, but cooks like a master chef, and keeps my house spotless!”

“So what’s the problem?” I asked.

He said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

 

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Macho Man & His beautiful Woman

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be s*x here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”

 

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The Divorce

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. “I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce”

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. “I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,” he says, “because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are.”

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55. He pushes his luck. “I want the house,” he says insistently.. Up to 60. “I want the car, too,” he continues. 65 mph.

“And,” he says, “I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!” The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, “Isn’t there anything you want?”

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. “No, I’ve got everything I need,” she says. “Oh, really,” he inquires, “so what have you got?”

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. “The AIRBAG.”

 

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Do you know Shit??

A stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'

To which the blonde replies,

'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

 

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The Rivals

A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival.

The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily, "I never make way for fools!"

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said,

"I always do."

 

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"Daddy Died"

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed.
The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed. The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified.

The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.

Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. "Good God, Dear," he proclaims, "I've just had the worst day of my entire life!"
She responds, "You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning."

 

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The Blonde and the Alligator Shoes

The blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the blonde standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

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Sane

Ten Mad men were locked up In a chicken yard..
Nine of them started jumping up and Down screaming and making cock crow sounds,..
However, one was found seated quietly at one Corner Of the yard.

The Doctor Went towards him and Whispered, "I can see you are the Only one among the 10 patients who have Regained Mental Sanity..

The man Quickly replied to the Doctor,
"HEY shhhhh! Keep Quiet, am trying To lay an Egg!!

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Long-Haired Drivers

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his
study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father
said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had
long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they WALKED every where they went!"

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Who’s guilty here? 

Wife is dreaming. wakes up and shouts"Quick my husband’s back!” his husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

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What happened?

One morning at a doctor's office a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club right?
This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom.
On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed
the fridge and threw it at him, That’s how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My
previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first
day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was
running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do.. The
doctor is shocked. Again asks,"What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge& someone threw it from the 3rd floor"......

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The Mathew Family Tree

The Mathew’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

 

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Is it sweet?

Akpors goes into a chemist, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist's assistant."Coul d you taste this please?" says Akpors. Chemist Assistant takes the teaspoon, put it
in his mouth swills the liquid and swallow it.. "Does it taste sweet?" says Akpors "No, not at all" says Chemist Assistant."Good" says Akpors....."the doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar"The Chemist Assistant fainted

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Americans!

The only seat available on the train from London to Paris was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged, but very ugly French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked,"Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."

The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat, No?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong dog out the window."

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Long Night

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, One guy looks at the other and says,"I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964." The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's
in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters,"It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

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The Names

A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, " Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, " Well, what's the girl's name?"
Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother thinks, " Wow, that's not a bad name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, " What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, " Denephew."

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Dear John

An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had been dating two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up and she wants pictures of herself back.

So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do.

He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you".

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Two Elderly Women

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us."

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh No! Am I driving?"

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The Jerk!

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common
knowledge.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Well thank you, dear!"

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Two Elderly Women

Wife : Honey before we got married , you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelery.

Husband : Yes...so ?

Wife : How come you don't do it anymore ?

Husband : Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to the fish after catching it

 

Husband : Baby, before we got married, you were the sexiest girl i've ever met but now you are twice my size, what happened baby

Wife : Have you ever seen a fisher(woman) give worms to the fish after she has caught it? same thing.

 

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Family Problem!

Two men at a bus stop started a conversation. One of them keeps complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man says, "You think you have family problems?" Listen to my situation..

''A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.

Later, my dad married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also my wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.

Then my wife's daughter, my step-mom, had a son.This boy was my half-brother 'cause he was my dad's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson.

That made me the grandfather of my half-brother. This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now, the half-sister of my son, my stepmom, is also the grandmom. My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad's wife! & YOU THINK YOU HAVE A FAMILY PROBLEM?"

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No School Today!

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.
"Why not, son?"

"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."

"But why don't you want to go today?"

"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

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A child asked to his mother:
-mom! Can you give me some money?
His mom : why? 
-I will give to a old man
His mom : well done! Okay, where is the old man ?
-Momm.. He is at the end of the street...He is selling ice-cream

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Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher

 

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BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER

Dear Wife,

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your
EX-Husband

P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

——

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife,

Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem!

 

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2 People in One Grave?

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother . "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

 

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Changes in Hell

An engineer died and was mistakenly sent to hell. Fairly quickly, he had redesigned the place. Hell cooled down considerably thanks to the air conditioning he built and installed. The escalators and elevators worked just fine. Manual labor was quickly becoming a thing of the past.

God looked down one day and noticed all the changes. He called down to the devil to ask how these improvements came about.

The devil replied, "That engineer you sent me."

"What engineer? You’re not supposed to have an engineer. Send him back up here!"

The devil’s answer was simple... "No."

"If you don’t send that engineer back right now, I’m going to be very angry. In fact, I’ll sue you!"

The devil replies, "And . . . where are you going to get a lawyer?"

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Ticket Please!

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.

"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.

When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!

"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.

Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"

 

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Good News / Bad News

A man was summoned to his attorney’s office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars."

"That’s the bad news?" laughed the man. "I can’t wait to hear the terrible news."

The terrible news is...

"The picture is of you and your secretary!"